Do you ever have days where you feel like you can't go on? Like being a mother is too hard, too much, too demanding?
That's how I feel today.
Bedtime couldn't come fast enough, and even then, it took 30 minutes. My temper has been lost countless times today, I've not been nice, I've yelled, cried, and all the while wondering what the heck I'm doing.
It's been a LONG week. Both Hannah and Sara have had diarrhea for 5 days now. I am so sick of poop. It's gross. It smells. It's everywhere. Hannah went through all her panties in one day, half of them the next and when I thought she was good and done, tonight she had a blowout.
Sara had two blowouts yesterday. She pooped on my shirt, she pooped up her back, all over the couch..it was horrendous. Today we didn't go to church, but both Hannah and Sara were poo free all day. Until tonight. Both of them. Sara all up her back again, but luckily, Hannah was on the toilet.
Yes, I know, TMI, but I'm so over it. They're cranky. They don't want to eat. They whine all day long. I know they don't feel good, but I'm still human. Brian worked all weekend, so he wasn't home. We couldn't go anywhere, so we were stuck at home. It just got to be too much. I am tired, and stressed.
I hate days like this. I hate feeling like I'm sick of being a mom. I don't get any rewards. I get pooped on. I get food thrown on the floor, or someone complaining that they don't like it. I listen to cries and whines all day long. I clean up the same mess every day. I do laundry. I do so much without any kind of a thank you from anyone. I feel like I'm a slave in my own house. At the end of the day, I want to just go to sleep as fast as I can because I don't have to think when I'm sleeping. It's my ONLY get away. But, then of course, if someone wakes up, I have to get up and take care of it. Never a break. Never any relaxation. I'm giving and giving so much to everyone, but my bucket isn't being filled at all. I'm running on fumes.
I totally understand that being a mom is hard, and that we don't always get rewarded for all of our good deeds, but when I feel like I'm not appreciated or that I'm being taken advantage of, that's when it starts to hurt. I want to feel important too. I want to be cared for. It would be nice if someone did something for ME every once in a while. I don't expect a lot. I just want to be noticed for something other than the poop cleaner. There is only so much I can take before I have a complete meltdown. Right now, I'm melting. I am not looking forward to this week at all. I already want to cry when I wake up in the morning because that just means that it's starting all over again.
I don't always feel like this. Just when I'm at the end of my rope. I love my kids with everything in me, but I am a person too. I am more than just a mom. I am me. But, I don't even know who 'me' is. I've lost myself.
