I haven't written for a good while. I've felt good. I was doing really well in therapy, and I felt like I was getting the hang of being in control of my emotions, and how I reacted to situations.
Until Tuesday.
I had dropped Ethan off at school that morning, and as I was coming home, trying to turn into my neighborhood, I was rear-ended. Nothing to horrible, my car didn't even have any damage, but the car that hit me, had damage. I felt fine, no injuries to speak of, so I went on with my day. A few hrs later though, my neck started hurting, and I was getting a headache. I started to wonder if I had whiplash. I googled it, asked Brian if it was possible, and came to the decision that I probably had something going on. I took some pain meds, and hoped for the best.
But throughout the day, I just felt like crap. My headache never went away and I was soooo tired. I really wanted to go to bed early.
When Brian got home from work, he didn't once ask me how I was, didn't hug me...nothing. In fact, when I told him that morning I had been rear-ended, he didn't ask if I was ok...he asked, 'how bad?'. He was worried about damage to the car.
My sister Jodi was here, and was leaving on Wednesday, so we had planned on going out to dinner that evening. I really didn't want to go, but I did anyways.
When we got home, Brian went into the bedroom, and watched tv. He didn't ask if he could help get the kids ready for bed, didn't help me do ANYTHING. Normally, at bedtime, he helps take the kids upstairs and says goodnight, but not this time. He just stayed in the room watching tv. When I finally got them to bed, I came downstairs, hoping and praying that I'd be able to just in bed and go to sleep. My head felt like it was going to pop off, and I was in so much pain.
But, he had just started a stupid movie that I didn't want to sit through, or even listen to, so I asked him if he could go to the bonus room to watch it. I told him that I was tired, and he said, 'you were tired last night'. And that he wasn't going to go to the bonus room.
And that's when I started to fall apart.
Every time I am sick, or I don't feel good, it doesn't matter. If it isn't convenient for him, then too bad for me. I still have to do everything. I have to work around him, and what he is doing. Or isn't doing, really. 9 times out of 10, he comes home from work, and does nothing but watch tv until bedtime. He doesn't help me with the kids. He doesn't give me any kind of a break. It's almost like he isn't even here. But he is. So then I just get mad, and angry. It infuriates me!!!
There have been times when he knows I don't feel good, so he'll send me a text from work saying something like, 'I wish I was home to help you'. But then he comes home, and doesn't help. Totally ignores the fact that I don't feel good. Why does he say crap like that.
Or, he'll ask me how I am, but totally ignore my response. Why ask if you aren't going to help?!? I don't understand.
So how I'm feeling now is a lot of anger, and hurt, and frustration...among a ton of other feelings and emotions. Yesterday, I woke up feeling fine, thank goodness, and he text and asked how I was...why? Why was he asking how I felt, if he really didn't care. Was he going to come home and help me with the kids if I was feeling terrible? Was he going to suggest I go to the dr? No! I think 99.9% of the time, if he asks how I am, he isn't asking because he actually really cares, he's asking because he feels like it's his 'job'. He doesn't care. If he did care, he'd show it. He can say all the crap he wants, but I don't see any care or concern when he ignores the fact that I don't feel good, and does what HE wants to do. It isn't fair.
I do so much for him. When he's had a hard day at work, or he's worked extra shifts on the weekend, I don't bother him about getting stuff done, or helping me out...I don't nag him. I get it, he's tired. But holy heck...why can't he do the same for me!? Why can't he just tell me to go to bed, and he'll get dinner for the kids and get them to bed? NEVER works like that. EVER!! The very few times that he has done something, it's because I've BEGGED him to. And even then, I ended up doing most of it because he got busy doing nothing. He's always on his stupid phone, and watching TV. He moved the stupid playstation down into our room, so now he wants to play. He doesn't pay attention to the kids. He doesn't pay attention to me.
I am hurt. My feelings are hurt. My heart is hurt. I feel like I'm not worth anything. Why does he not care? Why is it always about him, and NEVER about me? I don't even know what to do about it. I've tried talking to him about it, and he's better for a little while, but it never lasts. I'm so tired of feeling worthless and not cared about.
All of it makes me so angry. I really want to punch a wall. But, under the anger lies all the hurt, the sadness, and disappointment. I want to be loved. I want to feel loved. I want it so bad, it hurts. My eyes are so swollen because I can't stop crying.
He didn't say anything to me last night when he got home from work, didn't help put the kids to bed, went in the room and watched tv. When the kids went to bed, I laid on the couch, and he shut the door.
I'm sure it'll be the same tonight.
