Surviving

I wrote on my other blog about my grandpa passing and how hard it has been on me. I mentioned missing my family, and having this heartache that wont go away, but right now I feel like I could break.

Brian does the best he can in trying to comfort me, but it's so foreign to him that he doesn't know what to do, and what he does do, isn't very comforting. It isn't natural to him, so I'm stuck here, trying to figure out what I'm doing. I'm not upset with him or anything because I understand him, but it just makes it harder for me.

This whole week has just sucked. I'm on the verge of tears at every moment, little things upset me, I get annoyed at everything, and I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone. Motherhood is hard. Extremely hard. I am so busy taking care of everyone else, if someone is sick, I comfort them, tend to their needs, take care of them, if their feelings are hurt, same thing, but when it comes to me, nobody is taking care of me when I need it. I have to do it all alone. And honestly, I don't even know what would help. I guess I'm so used to doing this by myself, comfort would be strange. But I still crave it.

I want to move to Idaho so bad. I want to be near my family. I want my kids to know my family. I want them to know my kids. I want them to be able to enjoy each other while they still can. It is so hard to go back to Idaho to visit, and even when we do, the whole time we're there, the kids are sick. We're never there long either. I would love to go and spend the whole summer there, but I know that will never happen. Moving there will never happen. Brian is so worried about not finding a job that pays enough...but the thing is, he wont even look. I know he doesn't want to move out there.  He likes the south. He likes all the trees and the pretty rolling hills, the beauty here is marvelous, and it is a nice place to live. But, I am so family sick that being here is annoying. I know a lot of good people here, and people I love, but I want to be with my family.

It just hurts a lot. I've been trying for the longest time to just be ok with living here, and being grateful for the few visits we do get in, but as time passes, it gets harder and harder. When something happens back there, it's just another stab in the heart that reminds me that I'm missing it all. I'm so afraid that one day, I'm going to get a call saying that something happened to one of my family members, and I wont get to go out there, I wont get to say goodbye, and I'll be stuck here, trying to deal with it alone, all while taking care of everyone else.

I feel like I can't talk to Brian about it either. A few nights ago when I tried, he said that I was making him feel guilty that I couldn't go. That isn't at all what I was trying to do. I should be able to talk about my feelings, and how much I miss being around my family, and express my heartache without making him feel bad.

But, it is what it is and I can't do anything about it. Tomorrow is the memorial (not really doing a funeral) for my Grandpa, and Brian is going to be gone all day, so who knows how the day will go. I know that in time, it'll get easier and I wont feel so bad. But, that's the thing. It takes time and I just want to feel better now. I'm always going to want to move back there, that wont ever go away, but I know that eventually I wont want to cry every day about it.