I can tell that I'm in one of those moods. Everything is bugging me. Everything is a trigger. I've had a rough couple of days, and I'm trying to do everything to get out of it. Guess today just wasn't the day.
In the mean time, my brain is going at about 90 mph. I'm continually thinking, worrying, doubting. It's all just a mess. I think that I might need to stop reading blogs for a while because it seems that every time I read something, it's a trigger. Someone is posting an accomplishment, or a blessing, or some other kind of success that they've had. I still feel like I'm at the starting line, and I'm being left behind.
I am still struggling very much so spiritually. I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. Everyone says that prayers are answered in all kinds of different ways, some answered now, some later, some answered in Heaven. I know that. Most of the time when I pray, I ask for comfort, strength and patience. I don't feel comfort, and I don't feel strong. I feel alone.
I just recently read a blog post about a friends prayers being answered, her testimony was strengthened. It really was amazing to read, and I am so happy for her. But what she was struggling with is the same thing that I've been struggling with since moving to Cookeville. She just moved into a new ward a few weeks ago. I've been here for a year and a half. Her prayers were answered in one day. Yes, I know she was struggling, and it was really hard for her, but why am I still waiting? I can't help but feel like I'm not worth my prayers being answered. Maybe I don't need it as much? Or, it isn't time? I don't know. But whatever it is, it's really hard. I feel so lonely here. I have friends, but I don't have anyone close. All my closest friends live far away, and I don't get to see them often. I was going to go to a water park today with Bekah, but then I had a bad feeling and couldn't shake it, so we didn't go. But why? I needed time with my friend. I crave that time. I'm sure there was a good reason, but it still bummed me out. I went to a baby shower last week for a girl in my ward, and for the first half of it, I felt so out of place, alone and like nobody saw me. It's really hard.
There are so many other things that I struggle with, and it seems like it's all coming at me all at once. I don't know if maybe I am so far gone that I can't see my blessings, or if I just don't have them. Yes, I have healthy children, and my husband has a job that pays the bills. We live in a beautiful house and drive really nice cars. We have a lot of material things and while I am grateful for them, I feel like I'm missing those spiritual blessings. I pray and I feel like nobody hears me. I read the scriptures, or a ensign article, a conference talk...and I don't get anything out of it. I go to church and my kids are so irreverent during Sacrament Meeting that I don't get to listen to the talks. I go to primary so I don't get any lessons in Sunday School or Relief Society. I want so badly to get to the temple at least once a month, and something always comes up and I can't go.
I have been fighting for so long against everything. I am so tired and days like today, it wears me down and I throw a pity party. I want someone to care about me. I want them to show they care...not just tell me. But I also know that it's hard to be friends with me. I'm negative a lot of the time and I have a lot of crap that I carry around. I'm slowly learning to put it down and try to just live, but I'm not all the way there yet. I am stronger and better than I was a year ago, but I still have a long ways to go. I hate having days like this where everything gets under my skin, and I want to just be left alone. I don't want to hear 'mommy' all day long. I want peace and quiet. I want people to stop shoving their good news in my face. I know that's not what they are doing, and it isn't their intention, but when I feel like this, it seems as though everyone is saying, 'look what I have and you don't'. It's annoying and I hate it. I know better. I know that isn't what is happening, but that's how I'm feeling. It's complicated and very confusing.
I want to just be happy for everyone else and not feel bad for myself. I have been working so hard on myself, so it frustrates me when I feel like the world is against me. I don't feel strong enough to handle all this stress and struggles. I am so tired of never getting a break, never feeling at peace, never feeling like I matter, I'm tired of hanging on. I'm barely breathing anymore. But, I know I can't give up because like I said, I've come so far already. It's just a bad day. I'm in a bad mood, and tomorrow I'll try again.
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