Enough?

Every once in a while, I'll read something...an article, a blog post, a facebook status...and it's a trigger. Usually it's about motherhood, or a career, or some kind of praising someone else.

Today, I read a little note that someone posted on a friends page. It said something along the lines of that they are probably so proud of their children because they've accomplished so much, and that they are proud of them too.

Nothing huge or dramatic, just nice and simple.

So why did it bother me so much? Most of the time, I can read something like that and get on with my day. But today, it's stuck in my mind. Why?

People don't come up to me and say, 'Amy, I am so proud of you for being a stay at home mother, look at how much you have accomplished!'. I don't get a pat on the back, or an award for handling a fit without losing my temper. At the end of the day, I don't get a paycheck, or a bonus for all the hard work I do. Most of the time, what I do is unnoticed. That's how it is for a lot of moms. I get it, I don't cry over it, but sometimes I want someone to tell me that they are proud of me.

I didn't go to school. I don't have a degree in anything, and I wont be graduating from something I worked so hard for. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, and because of that, what's there to be proud of, or even recognized for?

I stay at home all day. I sweep up crumbs, and mop up juice spills, wipe dirty faces and dirty bottoms. I wash load after load after load of laundry. I clean dishes and wipe down counters. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner for kids who don't like to eat. I kiss scraped knees and bruised elbows. I yell. I lose my temper. I get mad and angry. At the end of the day, sometimes I feel like I have been suffocating all day. And no one is there to tell me 'good job!' or 'you did it!' or 'I'm proud of you'. And then I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

Now, I'm not saying that I want praise every single day. I don't need it. I don't want it. But, when I see someone do something with their life, graduate school, get a great job, receive a raise at work or whatever, I just feel like I'm never going to have that feeling. I don't have the desire to go to work, or get a degree in something that I wont use, I just want to feel important. I give and give and give so much of myself, that sometimes, I don't even know who I am anymore.

Hannah and Sara are HORRIBLE eaters. They are like little birds who just peck at food and then they're done. Hannah is a huge drama queen and is so sassy that sometimes I have to just walk away. I can't get my kids to eat a sandwich, or have manners...so I feel like I'm failing. I'm not accomplishing motherhood, and that's the only thing I know right now. If it were a paying job, I probably would have been fired a LONG time ago. If it were school, I would have flunk out by now. Sometimes it's hard to swallow the fact that most days, my only accomplishment was keeping the kids alive. I'm supposed to keep the house clean, keep laundry clean and put away, make tasty dinners, teach my kids manners and how to be kind to others, get dressed and do my hair every day, and then be happy and loving when my husband gets home from work.

But that is so not what I'm doing. Most days, the sink is piled with dirty dishes, there are baskets of laundry waiting to be washed, or put away, but more than likely, both. I'm in sweats, my hair is greasy, there are crumbs all over the floor and the kids ate junk and watched way too much tv. It's just never ending. And then I think to myself...no wonder nobody is proud of me. I'm a mess. My kids are crazy.

In spite of all that, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Being home with my kids is the best thing for them, and for me. Yeah, some days are horrible and I want to forget all about them, but I always have a second chance the next day.

I know I'm a good mom...it's just sometimes, I don't feel like it. It's been said that one day, we will be glorified for all of our hard work as mothers, so I just need to have faith that one day...one day someone will tell me how proud they are of me.

Some days are just hard.