Anniversary

Yesterday was Brian and my 10 year anniversary. 10 years! Honestly, I can't believe we've made it this long.

A few weeks ago when my sister was here, we took a trip to Atlanta to celebrate our anniversary. It's hard getting babysitters around here, and we knew we wouldn't be able to find someone to keep them over night. It was a good trip, we were exhausted, but it was good. I was a little bummed out because my expectations of the trip were too high. I really wanted to connect with Brian, and be able to just relax and enjoy each other. We were so busy that when we got back to our hotel at the end of the day, we just crashed. There was no ounce of romance the whole trip. Nothing. But, it happened and I can't change it.

So as I said, our anniversary was yesterday. I knew that Brian probably wasn't going to get me a gift because we went to Atlanta. I knew it wasn't going to be an amazing day full of joy and excitement. I mean, we're parents and we still have a life that doesn't stop just because it's our anniversary. It was just another day.

But...I wanted something to be special about it. A few months ago, I started working on a picture book for Brian. I wanted to do something for him (even though I knew I'd get nothing), and I was really excited about it. 10 years is something to be celebrated. It's a really long time, and it's one of those milestone anniversaries (at least it is to me). I am very sentimental. I have always loved to celebrate anything, it's just my nature. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...anything. I love to make a big deal out of it. Brian, on the other hand, isn't. He could care less. So, even though I knew we had already 'celebrated' our anniversary, I still wanted to do something small for him. I spent a lot of time getting pictures, figuring out the timeline of them, putting it together and getting everything just right. I really had hoped that he would like it and not think it was stupid. I also got him a really sweet card, and I wrote a note in it just for him. So, really, it wasn't anything huge, just a book and a card. More sentimental than anything.

All day long, I was so excited for him to come home and open the book. And, in the back of my mind, I was hoping...no, praying that he'd buy me some flowers, or at least a card. Something to recognize that the day was our anniversary. I really wanted something...but I was preparing myself for nothing.

So, he got home and his hands were empty. I didn't let it bother me at first, so I gave him his gift and he seemed to like it. I probably care more about the book than he does. But whatever.

And that was about it. The evening was the same as every other evening. When the kids went to bed, nothing exciting happened. All night long, I was trying so hard to not be upset, but it wasn't working. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I tried to not think, but it just wasn't working. I mean...10 years! Why the heck could he not stop at the store on the way home from work and pick up some flowers? He knows that I LOVE getting flowers, but he never buys them for me. I don't even remember the last time he gave me flowers. I would have thought that because it was our 10 year anniversary, he would have done something small. But he didn't.

I'm trying not to be sad about it, but I am. I feel like because we made it 10 whole years, with everything that has happened, things we've done, all of our lows (which have been a lot), the day should have had something special about it. I really would have be content with a card. It almost feel like as time goes by, things get less special. I remember when he would get me cards, or flowers for my birthday, an anniversary or Valentines Day. Not anymore though. And, I should be used to getting nothing by now. Why am I so upset over it? I knew it was going to happen...or not happen, I guess. I told myself that he wouldn't be bringing anything home. Sometimes though, I hate being right.

It shouldn't matter, but it does. I'm having a really hard time letting it go. But, I can't talk to him about it because yesterday was yesterday. We'll never have another 10 year anniversary. He can't buy me flowers tomorrow and say they were for yesterday. In fact, I said something about getting flowers, and he made some lame excuse. That hurt even more.

And then I think...I'm being totally selfish. I don't need anything, I shouldn't want anything. I should be happy and fine with a little kiss and a 'happy anniversary'. Why should I get anything else? I shouldn't be so selfish.

But, it still hurts. I'm still sad. And it's just one more thing to get over.