They call me Mommy - part one

What is motherhood? What does it look like? Feel like? How do you survive it?

I remember growing up wanting nothing more than to just be a mommy. I didn't have any other plans (besides getting married...can't be a mommy without a hubby). I didn't plan on going to school and getting some awesome degree, having a wonderful paying job...I just wanted to be a mom. And that's exactly what I did.

After Brian and I got married, he started nursing school right away, and I got a job. The first two years of our marriage is really a blur. Brian was going to school an hour and a half away, so during the week, he'd stay up there with some friends. I didn't know anyone here, I had no friends, the girls at work were not people I wanted to hang out with, and the girls at church...well, lets just say that there weren't any. It was horrible and I was so lonely.

Brian finally graduated, got a good job and I started taking a few classes at the community college. I got in one semester, but they were all remedial classes. I was planning on my second semester when we found out I was pregnant. Still, I was going to keep going. I got pregnant at the beginning of summer, and when school was starting up, I was about 8 weeks pregnant. And I got sick. Really sick. I remember the first day of school, driving down to Gallatin (we lived in Portland), and stopping several times to puke. I felt like death. I got to my first class and only was able to stay about 5 minutes before I needed to throw up again. While in the bathroom, I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it all day. Going in and out of class to puke was just not my idea of fun, and I wouldn't be learning anything. So I went home. And puked on the side of the road several times again.

I was hoping that my morning sickness (that lasted all day) wouldn't be a problem and that I'd still be able to go to class. But, I kept getting sick and so Brian and I decided to pull out. Ugh. But, it was what it was. And, I was sick until about 20 weeks. It was miserable. I only worked part time, and was somehow able to keep my job.

At the beginning of the new year, I was 7 months pregnant. I quit my job and just stayed home until Ethan was born.

Then he was born and my life changed.

Nobody can prepare you for motherhood. Sure people love to give advice, and tell you what it's all about but nothing helps. I was sure I'd have a perfect labor and delivery but it wasn't. I was sure I'd be able to take my baby home with me, but I didn't. I was sure that I would be able to nurse my baby. But I couldn't. I had no idea what 'mommy guilt' was.

The first year of Ethan's life I was just surviving. I wanted so bad to feel that connection with him, but I didn't. When he was 7 months old, still not sleeping through the night, I was desperate and let him cry it out. I feel horrible about it now. Can't change it, but I haven't done it with the girls.

It took me a good long while to breathe. Brian started Graduate school, and the stress of having a new baby and having no husband was really hard. Brian wasn't around and when he was, he was so tired and worn out that it was like he wasn't there. I still don't know how I made it through those years. After Brian graduated, and Ethan was now 3 years old, we got pregnant with Hannah.

I was still sick with her. All I wanted to do was sleep, but now I had a 3 year old and couldn't. I started taking Zofran early in my pregnancy, and while it helped, I still felt blah. I was planning on having a natural childbirth. I had done a TON of reading, and I just felt like I could do it. I was also going to nurse her. Everything was going to be different this time.

But, I ended up having a csection, and while I did take her home, and we did have that amazing bonding I so craved with Ethan, things were still hard. I knew what it was like to recover from a vaginal birth. I thought my recovery with Ethan was horrible. But...recovering from a csection...I wanted to die. Ethan's recovery was like a walk in the park on a nice sunny day compared to a csection. I felt like my guts were going to fall out at any minute, and I was always hurting. It hurt to hold Hannah. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move.

When we got home, I was nursing her. Everyone I knew said that they loved nursing their babies. It was more bonding and it just made them happy. I was looking for that happiness, and I couldn't find it. Feeding her was so uncomfortable, not because my boobs were sore, but because my csection hurt. I could feel my body getting thrown back into the depression, and I tried so hard to just suck it up. But, it broke me. I think that because I had planned on doing things naturally, and then do the exact opposite, really tore me down. I felt like I had failed. I didn't even try to have a normal delivery. My dr scared me into having a csection, and I didn't believe in myself enough to trust my body.

Nursing didn't work either. I remember one evening I was nursing Hannah. Alex sent me a text message to see how I was doing, and I told her that I was nursing. She replied with, 'Don't you just LOVE it?'. I started to cry. I didn't love it. I hated it. And what made it worse, is that I didn't know why I hated it. To make a long story short, I had problems producing milk, and I made the decision to bottle feed. I was already so emotional and drained that doing things to get my milk back was so overwhelming, I just couldn't do it. I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself feel guilty about it, but I do.

Because I wasn't nursing Hannah anymore, I knew I needed some medicine. I started on Celexa, but it made me soooo sick, so I switched to something else. I took it for a while, but didn't really feel like it was doing much. I ended up just stopping everything and just tried to do things on my own. Things got really messy (I wont get into that now), and I needed to start on something again. So I started a new medicine.

...And then I got pregnant with Sara.

I'm going to go into what I felt when I got pregnant. I hope I don't offend anyone, and if I do, I'm so sorry, but I can't change how I felt.

When I got pregnant, I was in a really bad place. My mental health was not good. My marriage was having issues, I was a mess. I had stopped taking my birth control because I felt like maybe it was contributing to my hormone issues. Brian and I weren't getting a lot super well, so I wasn't scared about getting pregnant. I mean, I wasn't taking birth control for over a year before we got pregnant with Hannah. I wasn't worried at all. But, when I was supposed to have my period, I didn't. And, I didn't realize it because I wasn't used to tracking it anyway. About a week after I was supposed to start, that's when I realized I missed it. I thought back and remembered that Brian and I did have sex...(one of those dumb make up sex...and I told you I was going to be honest ha), but I still didn't think I was pregnant. I had JUST stopped taking the pill. But, because I was taking an antidepressant, I had to know. I didn't say anything to Brian because well, I was for sure I wasn't pregnant and didn't need to worry him. He did know that my period was late because I asked him if stopping the pill can throw it off. I also got online and read that sometimes you can miss a period after stopping. Again, I wasn't worried.

So, I woke up one morning and took a test. Laid it on the bathroom counter and went to the kitchen to take my pills. I wasn't nervous at all. I knew it was going to be negative. But, I went to check and there were two lines. My heart sank. I felt like passing out. Or throwing up. I was in shock! I honestly didn't think I was pregnant. Why on earth would Heavenly Father send me a baby at a time like this?! Immediately I started crying. This couldn't be happening. I had just started to feel better with the new pills I was taking, and I was hopeful that I would be getting back on track. I had JUST lost 10 pounds too!! A million things ran through my mind. Things that I didn't need to worry about. Like the fact that we'd have to get a new car. Or, a new crib because Hannah was still a baby. She wasn't even One yet! And then I started crying harder because I did NOT want another csection. I was so scared. When I went in for my 6 week checkup after Hannah was born, the nurse told me not to get pregnant for at least a year. I was worried that it was too soon and that my uterus was going to burst open because it hadn't healed all the way (dumb, I know, but I was in panic mode). And, I had also asked my dr then that if for some reason I were to get pregnant again, would I have to have a csection. He said that he would strongly recommend it. So, I didn't want to go back to him. I didn't want to fight him to have a vbac.

When I picked myself up off the floor, I went upstairs with Ethan and Hannah. Brian was still sleeping and I didn't want to wake him. I didn't even want to tell him. I tried texting Alex but she wasn't responding. I probably sent 15 text messages to her saying to call me when she got up, and asking if she was awake yet. I needed to talk to her! When she finally called, the first thing she asked was, 'are you pregnant'. And I burst into tears again. We spend probably a good hour on the phone. I felt sick to my stomach. I really didn't want to be pregnant. I was so overwhelmed with having two kids, that 3 made my head spin.

I knew I had to tell Brian. I just didn't know how. Our relationship then was really rocky. Things had happened that hurt the both of us and to be pregnant...it just didn't feel right. I waited until Hannah took her nap, and I made Ethan watch a movie upstairs. I didn't want to be interrupted. At first he didn't believe me but then I started crying again. He took it fairly well...better than me. He kept saying over and over that it was going to be ok.

I found a new doctor and he was totally on board with doing a vbac. I did a lot of research and felt like that was what I was supposed do.

I hated how I felt the whole pregnancy. I wanted Ethan and Hannah. I did not want Sara. I resented being pregnant, I hated how I looked and felt. Every time something happened with my body or I had to do something differently because I was pregnant, I got mad. I was annoyed that I couldn't take my antidepressants, I was annoyed that I was tired and I still had to take care of my 2 kids. Everything pissed me off. I was so miserable and depressed the whole time.

I tried though. I really did try to be happy. I didn't tell anyone (except Alex and Brian) how I was really feeling because I felt bad. I felt so incredibly guilty about not wanting a baby when there were so many woman out there who would kill to have a baby. When I wasn't crying because I was pregnant, I was crying because I felt horrible about how I felt. So many guilty tears fell from my eyes. If people asked how I was doing, 'I'm fine' was always the answer. But inside I was dying.

I really wanted to go into labor. But, at my 37 week appt. my dr informed me that he was going to be out of town the week I was due. The other drs there don't do vbacs, so if I went into labor while he was gone, I'd have to have a csection. After talking to Brian, thinking a lot, we decided that if I didn't go into labor before my dr left, I'd have a csection at 39 weeks. And, that's what happened. Hours after my csection, my dr left for vacation. Even to this day, I hate that it didn't happen. My recovery with her was so much better than Hannah...I knew what to expect. But in a way I still felt like I failed again. I didn't let my body do what it was designed to do. People have since told me that if I went into labor, I could refuse a csection. I guess I have issues with authority because if I went in labor and they said I couldn't have a vbac, I would have just said ok and not fought. Lame.

I have had several people tell me that I didn't fail, and that it's ok to have csections, and believe me, I've tried to convince myself of that too, but there's still something that just bugs me about it. I wanted it so bad, but when the time came, I caved. I didn't stand up for myself. I don't know if I'll ever be ok with having csections and bottle feeding my kids.

So after Sara was born, I was really worried about how bad my depression would be. I was so scared that I wouldn't want her, wouldn't love her, and that there would be no bond. I remember seeing her for the first time, and not feeling anything. That scared the freaking crap out of me. While they were stitching me up, cleaning Sara up and doing all the newborn stuff, I remember crying and thinking, 'I don't want a baby'. And I felt all alone because I was. Nobody knew how I was feeling at that moment. Everyone in the room was so excited and happy. And I was crying in pain. Just like with everything else, I put on a happy face and said they were tears of joy.

I had her on a friday and the rest of the day went fine. After getting into my room, I felt ok. I held Sara, and even though I didn't feel what I wanted, I knew that I loved her. She was perfect. Saturday though was a different story. I was really weepy and felt overwhelmed. I also wanted to just be home. Because everything went well, I was able to go home on Sunday.

That was all just 19 months ago. It took me a few months to connect with Sara and be grateful for her. Now, I can't imagine our family without her. I love her so much and she is the sweetest thing ever.

But now I have 3 kids. All very demanding kids. Being a mother is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It never ends. I struggle a lot with who I am as a mother, and if I'm doing things right. I think the hardest part about what I'm dealing with right now, is that I don't enjoy what I'm doing. I don't enjoy being a mother. I want to so bad, and it kills me that I don't.

So my next post will be on that.