As I said in the post before, motherhood has been hard on me. I don't enjoy it like I should, and I feel guilty and horrible for it. I don't know if it's the depression that just got in the way. Actually, I know it has a lot to do with it. I used to not always feel this way. It's probably just within the past 2 years that I've really been struggling.
After Sara was born, I felt overwhelmed. Getting 3 kids up in the morning, ready for the day (Ethan ready for school), making breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, cups, cleaning the same messes up every day, doing the same dishes, doing the crap load of laundry that seemed to never end, the crying and whining and fit throwing...doing the same things over and over and over. Every day. And before you go on saying...'well that's what a mothers life is...', I know that. I know that it's my responsibility to do all those things. I stay home, I raise the kids, I clean up the messes and try the tears. But, it's somewhere in the middle of all that, that I've lost myself.
I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm only a wife and a mother. What happened to Amy? What happened to the person? I am still a person, I still have wants and needs, and dreams of all sorts. And I feel like I'm not allowed to be anything but a mother and a wife. Is this how it's supposed to be? I don't want to sound selfish, or rude, but why should I have to forget the person I am? Can't I have both? It all goes back to the stupid guilt. Any time I want to go somewhere, or do something without the kids, I feel bad. Why? I have no idea! You know the saying that you can't take care of the kids unless you take care of yourself...or something like that? I know that, and I want to take care of myself, I just don't know how yet.
My kids are all different in so many ways. They each have their own needs and I have to figure out how to meet them. Ethan is struggling in school, and his behavior in the past few weeks have got me concerned. I've been praying to know how to help him, and what to do, but I just feel lost. There are things that I have done that have helped, but not enough to make the difference we need. I know he's only 7, and a lot of his actions are normal 7 year old behavior, but it's really more than that. I want him to be happy and successful and proud of himself. I worry about second grade. His focusing is getting worse and it has started to affect his grades. What I'm struggling with now is, do I wait until school starts up again to see how he does, or take action now? And what actions do I take? It's really so overwhelming.
Hannah is...well, she's a handful. She is so sweet and loving and she is a good girl, when she wants to be. But she is also 3. I find myself upset and mad at her a lot during the day. She loves to get into things that she knows she isn't supposed to. And she does it when I'm busy. Naturally. I mean, isn't that what all kids do? But, because of my depression, and the stress level I have, I get more upset than I need to get. Why? Because I'm tired! I'm tired of the rules being broken over and over again. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing any good. Tired of feeling like I am no good. I'm tired of feeling the way I feel and not understanding why. I am so snappy lately, and it's over the dumbest things. When I want to be left alone is when it's the worst. Hannah or Sara will want something...like a snack or a drink, or help with what they're doing or even when they just want me to play with them, and I'll get mad. I don't want to do it, I don't want to be bothered so I get upset. How ridiculous is that? Then I feel horrible and like a bad mom who doesn't want to be around her kids.
I don't always feel like that, but it is more than I'd like to admit. It's so frustrating. I know a lot of what happens with the kids is all normal stuff, every kid does it. But it's how I react. Why am I reacting the way I do?
Maybe it all goes back to feeling lost. Nancy and I are working on the whole guilt thing. I need to give that up. I know I do, but dang it's hard! I need to find the right balance between being a wife, mother and my own person. I don't want to feel guilty for taking a weekend for just myself so I can breathe. I should be able to do stuff for myself so I can be a better wife and mother, right? I have given up everything for my kids. All mothers do. I love my kids more than anything in the world. I just want to enjoy it now because I know that later, I'm going to regret it. All I can do is my best, pray and try to let go of these feelings of guilt and anger.
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