Hello. My name is Amy...

...and I'm a foodaholic.

That's right. I love food. I love making food. Tasting food. Eating food...being around food. MmmMmm...I just love it.

But, my food addiction goes past the 'normal' love of food. I use food for comfort. I am a stress/emotional eater. I don't remember a time where I haven't been. Food is my drug, and by my pant size, sadly, it shows.

I have struggled for such a long time with my weight, and it seems like when I start to get a handle on things, something happens and I loose it all and eat my way through it. I'll loose 5 lbs here and there, but I always gain it back. A year after I had Ethan, I lost all my baby weight, plus 10 extra pounds. I was so excited to be back in clothes that weren't super tight fitting and my pants didn't give me the spare tire around my waist. But, little by little, I ate more and more, and started to gain weight again. Then I got pregnant with Hannah and it all went out the window. I really haven't been happy with my weight since then.

And to make things worse, I'll weigh myself, or put on a pair of pants that should fit, and I'll be disappointed by the results. You'd think I would want to put the food down and go workout or eat a carrot...but because my brain is messed up, I just want to eat more. Heck, I'm already fat, so why not eat? I know it doesn't make sense, I don't understand it, but that's how I am.

There are people who stop eating when they're stressed. If that was my case, I'd probably die from anorexia. Seriously. But instead, I just want food.

I want so bad to figure out how to control myself, but I haven't found what's right for me. It's so easy to say, 'just don't buy unhealthy foods'. And, most of the time when I'm doing my grocery shopping, I don't. It's when I'm mad, stressed, sad, super angry that I go to the store just for ice cream, or candy, or cookies...something that tastes delicious. Eat smaller portions...yeah, I've heard that one too. My issue is snacking. All day. Here and there, one or two cookies at a time. It's so frustrating!

I know what I have to do, it's just doing it and sticking with it. It's so hard for me though, and if you don't have an issue with food, you wont understand. Just like smoking...I don't smoke, I know it's bad and I don't understand why someone can't just stop cold turkey (ok, well, I do kinda understand). I've found that if I stop all my comfort foods at once, I'm more than likely to binge later on. I've had people tell me to just stop one thing at a time, like one month don't drink soda. Then the next month don't eat chocolate...and so on. I wish it were as easy as it sounds.

If I worked out on a regular basis, maybe it wouldn't matter so much. But in all honesty, I hate working out. I do it when I can't fit into my fat pants anymore. I don't do it because I love it, or I crave the feeling I get...I want to cry the whole time my body is moving. Pathetic. Running though...I loved to run, when I wasn't hurting from an injury. But, I haven't gotten to the point where I can run again.

So, now it's summer and I brought out my summer clothes. I only have one pair of shorts that fit. Ugh. I don't want to go buy new clothes, but I really don't want to workout or stop eating. Something has to give though. I really do want to eat right and be healthy and actually be excited about what I see in the mirror, but it's so hard when I don't have the support I need. I give in to temptation so easily, and I have a hard time saying no.

I need to loose anywhere from 25-30lbs and it seems like such a hard thing to do. I feel like I'm working on so much stuff right now, and loosing weight is just an added burden. I feel so overwhelmed with what I need to do, so taking care of my physical body has been put on the back burner. I just feel stuck.