Under the anger

I haven't written for a good while. I've felt good. I was doing really well in therapy, and I felt like I was getting the hang of being in control of my emotions, and how I reacted to situations.

Until Tuesday.

I had dropped Ethan off at school that morning, and as I was coming home, trying to turn into my neighborhood, I was rear-ended. Nothing to horrible, my car didn't even have any damage, but the car that hit me, had damage. I felt fine, no injuries to speak of, so I went on with my day. A few hrs later though, my neck started hurting, and I was getting a headache. I started to wonder if I had whiplash. I googled it, asked Brian if it was possible, and came to the decision that I probably had something going on. I took some pain meds, and hoped for the best.

But throughout the day, I just felt like crap. My headache never went away and I was soooo tired. I really wanted to go to bed early.

When Brian got home from work, he didn't once ask me how I was, didn't hug me...nothing. In fact, when I told him that morning I had been rear-ended, he didn't ask if I was ok...he asked, 'how bad?'. He was worried about damage to the car.

My sister Jodi was here, and was leaving on Wednesday, so we had planned on going out to dinner that evening. I really didn't want to go, but I did anyways.

When we got home, Brian went into the bedroom, and watched tv. He didn't ask if he could help get the kids ready for bed, didn't help me do ANYTHING. Normally, at bedtime, he helps take the kids upstairs and says goodnight, but not this time. He just stayed in the room watching tv. When I finally got them to bed, I came downstairs, hoping and praying that I'd be able to just in bed and go to sleep. My head felt like it was going to pop off, and I was in so much pain.

But, he had just started a stupid movie that I didn't want to sit through, or even listen to, so I asked him if he could go to the bonus room to watch it. I told him that I was tired, and he said, 'you were tired last night'. And that he wasn't going to go to the bonus room.

And that's when I started to fall apart.

Every time I am sick, or I don't feel good, it doesn't matter. If it isn't convenient for him, then too bad for me. I still have to do everything. I have to work around him, and what he is doing. Or isn't doing, really. 9 times out of 10, he comes home from work, and does nothing but watch tv until bedtime. He doesn't help me with the kids. He doesn't give me any kind of a break. It's almost like he isn't even here. But he is. So then I just get mad, and angry. It infuriates me!!!

There have been times when he knows I don't feel good, so he'll send me a text from work saying something like, 'I wish I was home to help you'. But then he comes home, and doesn't help. Totally ignores the fact that I don't feel good. Why does he say crap like that.

Or, he'll ask me how I am, but totally ignore my response. Why ask if you aren't going to help?!? I don't understand.

So how I'm feeling now is a lot of anger, and hurt, and frustration...among a ton of other feelings and emotions. Yesterday, I woke up feeling fine, thank goodness, and he text and asked how I was...why? Why was he asking how I felt, if he really didn't care. Was he going to come home and help me with the kids if I was feeling terrible? Was he going to suggest I go to the dr? No! I think 99.9% of the time, if he asks how I am, he isn't asking because he actually really cares, he's asking because he feels like it's his 'job'. He doesn't care. If he did care, he'd show it. He can say all the crap he wants, but I don't see any care or concern when he ignores the fact that I don't feel good, and does what HE wants to do. It isn't fair.

I do so much for him. When he's had a hard day at work, or he's worked extra shifts on the weekend, I don't bother him about getting stuff done, or helping me out...I don't nag him. I get it, he's tired. But holy heck...why can't he do the same for me!? Why can't he just tell me to go to bed, and he'll get dinner for the kids and get them to bed? NEVER works like that. EVER!! The very few times that he has done something, it's because I've BEGGED him to. And even then, I ended up doing most of it because he got busy doing nothing. He's always on his stupid phone, and watching TV. He moved the stupid playstation down into our room, so now he wants to play. He doesn't pay attention to the kids. He doesn't pay attention to me.

I am hurt. My feelings are hurt. My heart is hurt. I feel like I'm not worth anything. Why does he not care? Why is it always about him, and NEVER about me? I don't even know what to do about it. I've tried talking to him about it, and he's better for a little while, but it never lasts. I'm so tired of feeling worthless and not cared about.

All of it makes me so angry. I really want to punch a wall. But, under the anger lies all the hurt, the sadness, and disappointment. I want to be loved. I want to feel loved. I want it so bad, it hurts. My eyes are so swollen because I can't stop crying.

He didn't say anything to me last night when he got home from work, didn't help put the kids to bed, went in the room and watched tv. When the kids went to bed, I laid on the couch, and he shut the door.

I'm sure it'll be the same tonight.

The Stress of being a Mom

Do you ever have days where you feel like you can't go on? Like being a mother is too hard, too much, too demanding?

That's how I feel today.

Bedtime couldn't come fast enough, and even then, it took 30 minutes. My temper has been lost countless times today, I've not been nice, I've yelled, cried, and all the while wondering what the heck I'm doing.

It's been a LONG week. Both Hannah and Sara have had diarrhea for 5 days now. I am so sick of poop. It's gross. It smells. It's everywhere. Hannah went through all her panties in one day, half of them the next and when I thought she was good and done, tonight she had a blowout.

Sara had two blowouts yesterday. She pooped on my shirt, she pooped up her back, all over the couch..it was horrendous. Today we didn't go to church, but both Hannah and Sara were poo free all day. Until tonight. Both of them. Sara all up her back again, but luckily, Hannah was on the toilet.

Yes, I know, TMI, but I'm so over it. They're cranky. They don't want to eat. They whine all day long. I know they don't feel good, but I'm still human. Brian worked all weekend, so he wasn't home. We couldn't go anywhere, so we were stuck at home. It just got to be too much. I am tired, and stressed.

I hate days like this. I hate feeling like I'm sick of being a mom. I don't get any rewards. I get pooped on. I get food thrown on the floor, or someone complaining that they don't like it. I listen to cries and whines all day long. I clean up the same mess every day. I do laundry. I do so much without any kind of a thank you from anyone. I feel like I'm a slave in my own house. At the end of the day, I want to just go to sleep as fast as I can because I don't have to think when I'm sleeping. It's my ONLY get away. But, then of course, if someone wakes up, I have to get up and take care of it. Never a break. Never any relaxation. I'm giving and giving so much to everyone, but my bucket isn't being filled at all. I'm running on fumes.

I totally understand that being a mom is hard, and that we don't always get rewarded for all of our good deeds, but when I feel like I'm not appreciated or that I'm being taken advantage of, that's when it starts to hurt. I want to feel important too. I want to be cared for. It would be nice if someone did something for ME every once in a while. I don't expect a lot. I just want to be noticed for something other than the poop cleaner. There is only so much I can take before I have a complete meltdown. Right now, I'm melting. I am not looking forward to this week at all. I already want to cry when I wake up in the morning because that just means that it's starting all over again.

I don't always feel like this. Just when I'm at the end of my rope. I love my kids with everything in me, but I am a person too. I am more than just a mom. I am me. But, I don't even know who 'me' is. I've lost myself.

Surviving

I wrote on my other blog about my grandpa passing and how hard it has been on me. I mentioned missing my family, and having this heartache that wont go away, but right now I feel like I could break.

Brian does the best he can in trying to comfort me, but it's so foreign to him that he doesn't know what to do, and what he does do, isn't very comforting. It isn't natural to him, so I'm stuck here, trying to figure out what I'm doing. I'm not upset with him or anything because I understand him, but it just makes it harder for me.

This whole week has just sucked. I'm on the verge of tears at every moment, little things upset me, I get annoyed at everything, and I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone. Motherhood is hard. Extremely hard. I am so busy taking care of everyone else, if someone is sick, I comfort them, tend to their needs, take care of them, if their feelings are hurt, same thing, but when it comes to me, nobody is taking care of me when I need it. I have to do it all alone. And honestly, I don't even know what would help. I guess I'm so used to doing this by myself, comfort would be strange. But I still crave it.

I want to move to Idaho so bad. I want to be near my family. I want my kids to know my family. I want them to know my kids. I want them to be able to enjoy each other while they still can. It is so hard to go back to Idaho to visit, and even when we do, the whole time we're there, the kids are sick. We're never there long either. I would love to go and spend the whole summer there, but I know that will never happen. Moving there will never happen. Brian is so worried about not finding a job that pays enough...but the thing is, he wont even look. I know he doesn't want to move out there.  He likes the south. He likes all the trees and the pretty rolling hills, the beauty here is marvelous, and it is a nice place to live. But, I am so family sick that being here is annoying. I know a lot of good people here, and people I love, but I want to be with my family.

It just hurts a lot. I've been trying for the longest time to just be ok with living here, and being grateful for the few visits we do get in, but as time passes, it gets harder and harder. When something happens back there, it's just another stab in the heart that reminds me that I'm missing it all. I'm so afraid that one day, I'm going to get a call saying that something happened to one of my family members, and I wont get to go out there, I wont get to say goodbye, and I'll be stuck here, trying to deal with it alone, all while taking care of everyone else.

I feel like I can't talk to Brian about it either. A few nights ago when I tried, he said that I was making him feel guilty that I couldn't go. That isn't at all what I was trying to do. I should be able to talk about my feelings, and how much I miss being around my family, and express my heartache without making him feel bad.

But, it is what it is and I can't do anything about it. Tomorrow is the memorial (not really doing a funeral) for my Grandpa, and Brian is going to be gone all day, so who knows how the day will go. I know that in time, it'll get easier and I wont feel so bad. But, that's the thing. It takes time and I just want to feel better now. I'm always going to want to move back there, that wont ever go away, but I know that eventually I wont want to cry every day about it.

Blessings....or lack there of

I can tell that I'm in one of those moods. Everything is bugging me. Everything is a trigger. I've had a rough couple of days, and I'm trying to do everything to get out of it. Guess today just wasn't the day.

In the mean time, my brain is going at about 90 mph. I'm continually thinking, worrying, doubting. It's all just a mess. I think that I might need to stop reading blogs for a while because it seems that every time I read something, it's a trigger. Someone is posting an accomplishment, or a blessing, or some other kind of success that they've had. I still feel like I'm at the starting line, and I'm being left behind.

I am still struggling very much so spiritually. I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. Everyone says that prayers are answered in all kinds of different ways, some answered now, some later, some answered in Heaven. I know that. Most of the time when I pray, I ask for comfort, strength and patience. I don't feel comfort, and I don't feel strong. I feel alone.

I just recently read a blog post about a friends prayers being answered, her testimony was strengthened. It really was amazing to read, and I am so happy for her. But what she was struggling with is the same thing that I've been struggling with since moving to Cookeville. She just moved into a new ward a few weeks ago. I've been here for a year and a half. Her prayers were answered in one day. Yes, I know she was struggling, and it was really hard for her, but why am I still waiting? I can't help but feel like I'm not worth my prayers being answered. Maybe I don't need it as much? Or, it isn't time? I don't know. But whatever it is, it's really hard. I feel so lonely here. I have friends, but I don't have anyone close. All my closest friends live far away, and I don't get to see them often. I was going to go to a water park today with Bekah, but then I had a bad feeling and couldn't shake it, so we didn't go. But why? I needed time with my friend. I crave that time. I'm sure there was a good reason, but it still bummed me out. I went to a baby shower last week for a girl in my ward, and for the first half of it, I felt so out of place, alone and like nobody saw me. It's really hard.

There are so many other things that I struggle with, and it seems like it's all coming at me all at once. I don't know if maybe I am so far gone that I can't see my blessings, or if I just don't have them. Yes, I have healthy children, and my husband has a job that pays the bills. We live in a beautiful house and drive really nice cars. We have a lot of material things and while I am grateful for them, I feel like I'm missing those spiritual blessings. I pray and I feel like nobody hears me. I read the scriptures, or a ensign article, a conference talk...and I don't get anything out of it. I go to church and my kids are so irreverent during Sacrament Meeting that I don't get to listen to the talks. I go to primary so I don't get any lessons in Sunday School or Relief Society. I want so badly to get to the temple at least once a month, and something always comes up and I can't go.

I have been fighting for so long against everything. I am so tired and days like today, it wears me down and I throw a pity party. I want someone to care about me. I want them to show they care...not just tell me. But I also know that it's hard to be friends with me. I'm negative a lot of the time and I have a lot of crap that I carry around. I'm slowly learning to put it down and try to just live, but I'm not all the way there yet. I am stronger and better than I was a year ago, but I still have a long ways to go. I hate having days like this where everything gets under my skin, and I want to just be left alone. I don't want to hear 'mommy' all day long. I want peace and quiet. I want people to stop shoving their good news in my face. I know that's not what they are doing, and it isn't their intention, but when I feel like this, it seems as though everyone is saying, 'look what I have and you don't'. It's annoying and I hate it. I know better. I know that isn't what is happening, but that's how I'm feeling. It's complicated and very confusing.

I want to just be happy for everyone else and not feel bad for myself. I have been working so hard on myself, so it frustrates me when I feel like the world is against me. I don't feel strong enough to handle all this stress and struggles. I am so tired of never getting a break, never feeling at peace, never feeling like I matter, I'm tired of hanging on. I'm barely breathing anymore. But, I know I can't give up because like I said, I've come so far already. It's just a bad day. I'm in a bad mood, and tomorrow I'll try again.

Enough?

Every once in a while, I'll read something...an article, a blog post, a facebook status...and it's a trigger. Usually it's about motherhood, or a career, or some kind of praising someone else.

Today, I read a little note that someone posted on a friends page. It said something along the lines of that they are probably so proud of their children because they've accomplished so much, and that they are proud of them too.

Nothing huge or dramatic, just nice and simple.

So why did it bother me so much? Most of the time, I can read something like that and get on with my day. But today, it's stuck in my mind. Why?

People don't come up to me and say, 'Amy, I am so proud of you for being a stay at home mother, look at how much you have accomplished!'. I don't get a pat on the back, or an award for handling a fit without losing my temper. At the end of the day, I don't get a paycheck, or a bonus for all the hard work I do. Most of the time, what I do is unnoticed. That's how it is for a lot of moms. I get it, I don't cry over it, but sometimes I want someone to tell me that they are proud of me.

I didn't go to school. I don't have a degree in anything, and I wont be graduating from something I worked so hard for. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, and because of that, what's there to be proud of, or even recognized for?

I stay at home all day. I sweep up crumbs, and mop up juice spills, wipe dirty faces and dirty bottoms. I wash load after load after load of laundry. I clean dishes and wipe down counters. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner for kids who don't like to eat. I kiss scraped knees and bruised elbows. I yell. I lose my temper. I get mad and angry. At the end of the day, sometimes I feel like I have been suffocating all day. And no one is there to tell me 'good job!' or 'you did it!' or 'I'm proud of you'. And then I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

Now, I'm not saying that I want praise every single day. I don't need it. I don't want it. But, when I see someone do something with their life, graduate school, get a great job, receive a raise at work or whatever, I just feel like I'm never going to have that feeling. I don't have the desire to go to work, or get a degree in something that I wont use, I just want to feel important. I give and give and give so much of myself, that sometimes, I don't even know who I am anymore.

Hannah and Sara are HORRIBLE eaters. They are like little birds who just peck at food and then they're done. Hannah is a huge drama queen and is so sassy that sometimes I have to just walk away. I can't get my kids to eat a sandwich, or have manners...so I feel like I'm failing. I'm not accomplishing motherhood, and that's the only thing I know right now. If it were a paying job, I probably would have been fired a LONG time ago. If it were school, I would have flunk out by now. Sometimes it's hard to swallow the fact that most days, my only accomplishment was keeping the kids alive. I'm supposed to keep the house clean, keep laundry clean and put away, make tasty dinners, teach my kids manners and how to be kind to others, get dressed and do my hair every day, and then be happy and loving when my husband gets home from work.

But that is so not what I'm doing. Most days, the sink is piled with dirty dishes, there are baskets of laundry waiting to be washed, or put away, but more than likely, both. I'm in sweats, my hair is greasy, there are crumbs all over the floor and the kids ate junk and watched way too much tv. It's just never ending. And then I think to myself...no wonder nobody is proud of me. I'm a mess. My kids are crazy.

In spite of all that, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Being home with my kids is the best thing for them, and for me. Yeah, some days are horrible and I want to forget all about them, but I always have a second chance the next day.

I know I'm a good mom...it's just sometimes, I don't feel like it. It's been said that one day, we will be glorified for all of our hard work as mothers, so I just need to have faith that one day...one day someone will tell me how proud they are of me.

Some days are just hard.

Anniversary

Yesterday was Brian and my 10 year anniversary. 10 years! Honestly, I can't believe we've made it this long.

A few weeks ago when my sister was here, we took a trip to Atlanta to celebrate our anniversary. It's hard getting babysitters around here, and we knew we wouldn't be able to find someone to keep them over night. It was a good trip, we were exhausted, but it was good. I was a little bummed out because my expectations of the trip were too high. I really wanted to connect with Brian, and be able to just relax and enjoy each other. We were so busy that when we got back to our hotel at the end of the day, we just crashed. There was no ounce of romance the whole trip. Nothing. But, it happened and I can't change it.

So as I said, our anniversary was yesterday. I knew that Brian probably wasn't going to get me a gift because we went to Atlanta. I knew it wasn't going to be an amazing day full of joy and excitement. I mean, we're parents and we still have a life that doesn't stop just because it's our anniversary. It was just another day.

But...I wanted something to be special about it. A few months ago, I started working on a picture book for Brian. I wanted to do something for him (even though I knew I'd get nothing), and I was really excited about it. 10 years is something to be celebrated. It's a really long time, and it's one of those milestone anniversaries (at least it is to me). I am very sentimental. I have always loved to celebrate anything, it's just my nature. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...anything. I love to make a big deal out of it. Brian, on the other hand, isn't. He could care less. So, even though I knew we had already 'celebrated' our anniversary, I still wanted to do something small for him. I spent a lot of time getting pictures, figuring out the timeline of them, putting it together and getting everything just right. I really had hoped that he would like it and not think it was stupid. I also got him a really sweet card, and I wrote a note in it just for him. So, really, it wasn't anything huge, just a book and a card. More sentimental than anything.

All day long, I was so excited for him to come home and open the book. And, in the back of my mind, I was hoping...no, praying that he'd buy me some flowers, or at least a card. Something to recognize that the day was our anniversary. I really wanted something...but I was preparing myself for nothing.

So, he got home and his hands were empty. I didn't let it bother me at first, so I gave him his gift and he seemed to like it. I probably care more about the book than he does. But whatever.

And that was about it. The evening was the same as every other evening. When the kids went to bed, nothing exciting happened. All night long, I was trying so hard to not be upset, but it wasn't working. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I tried to not think, but it just wasn't working. I mean...10 years! Why the heck could he not stop at the store on the way home from work and pick up some flowers? He knows that I LOVE getting flowers, but he never buys them for me. I don't even remember the last time he gave me flowers. I would have thought that because it was our 10 year anniversary, he would have done something small. But he didn't.

I'm trying not to be sad about it, but I am. I feel like because we made it 10 whole years, with everything that has happened, things we've done, all of our lows (which have been a lot), the day should have had something special about it. I really would have be content with a card. It almost feel like as time goes by, things get less special. I remember when he would get me cards, or flowers for my birthday, an anniversary or Valentines Day. Not anymore though. And, I should be used to getting nothing by now. Why am I so upset over it? I knew it was going to happen...or not happen, I guess. I told myself that he wouldn't be bringing anything home. Sometimes though, I hate being right.

It shouldn't matter, but it does. I'm having a really hard time letting it go. But, I can't talk to him about it because yesterday was yesterday. We'll never have another 10 year anniversary. He can't buy me flowers tomorrow and say they were for yesterday. In fact, I said something about getting flowers, and he made some lame excuse. That hurt even more.

And then I think...I'm being totally selfish. I don't need anything, I shouldn't want anything. I should be happy and fine with a little kiss and a 'happy anniversary'. Why should I get anything else? I shouldn't be so selfish.

But, it still hurts. I'm still sad. And it's just one more thing to get over.

Feelings

Today, it has been 4 weeks since I started taking the Wellbutrin, and honestly, I don't feel any different. I know that it can take up to 6 weeks to feel the effects, but I'm really annoyed. I have felt so bad for so long, I was hoping that by now, I'd start to feel something. I still struggle every day to get out of bed. I still struggle to get things done, and I still have a feeling of hopelessness. I don't want to go out and do things, I want to just stay in my pjs, lay in bed and watch tv all day.

And to top it all off, I can't wake up. I have been so incredibly tired for the past week. I want to sleep, but even when I do, it's not enough. I've had this problem before though...just another symptom of depression. It blows.

My sister was here for the past two weeks almost, and went home last Friday. I so enjoyed having her here, but now I just miss my family more. Brian and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary next week, so that means I've been away from them for 10 years! I would love nothing more than to live closer. Not necessarily in Idaho, but close enough that we could drive to see them without it taking days and days. I hate that my family doesn't get to see my kids grow up. They get pictures and maybe a trip once a year, but they miss out on everything. I miss them. My heart aches because I miss them so much. I don't know how to take that away either. Sometimes I just want to be able to talk to my mom face to face, and have a shoulder to cry on. It would be nice to take my kids over there during the day to play so I could get a break. I want them apart of their lives and it makes me sad that this is the way it is. And I can't change it either. Brian said he'd move if he had a job that paid the right amount of money, but his idea of the right amount is insane and probably will never find it. It's irritating and depressing.

Anyway, I just woke up with a lot on my mind today. I'm hoping this week isn't bad...I'm trying. I really am.