I can tell that I'm in one of those moods. Everything is bugging me. Everything is a trigger. I've had a rough couple of days, and I'm trying to do everything to get out of it. Guess today just wasn't the day.
In the mean time, my brain is going at about 90 mph. I'm continually thinking, worrying, doubting. It's all just a mess. I think that I might need to stop reading blogs for a while because it seems that every time I read something, it's a trigger. Someone is posting an accomplishment, or a blessing, or some other kind of success that they've had. I still feel like I'm at the starting line, and I'm being left behind.
I am still struggling very much so spiritually. I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. Everyone says that prayers are answered in all kinds of different ways, some answered now, some later, some answered in Heaven. I know that. Most of the time when I pray, I ask for comfort, strength and patience. I don't feel comfort, and I don't feel strong. I feel alone.
I just recently read a blog post about a friends prayers being answered, her testimony was strengthened. It really was amazing to read, and I am so happy for her. But what she was struggling with is the same thing that I've been struggling with since moving to Cookeville. She just moved into a new ward a few weeks ago. I've been here for a year and a half. Her prayers were answered in one day. Yes, I know she was struggling, and it was really hard for her, but why am I still waiting? I can't help but feel like I'm not worth my prayers being answered. Maybe I don't need it as much? Or, it isn't time? I don't know. But whatever it is, it's really hard. I feel so lonely here. I have friends, but I don't have anyone close. All my closest friends live far away, and I don't get to see them often. I was going to go to a water park today with Bekah, but then I had a bad feeling and couldn't shake it, so we didn't go. But why? I needed time with my friend. I crave that time. I'm sure there was a good reason, but it still bummed me out. I went to a baby shower last week for a girl in my ward, and for the first half of it, I felt so out of place, alone and like nobody saw me. It's really hard.
There are so many other things that I struggle with, and it seems like it's all coming at me all at once. I don't know if maybe I am so far gone that I can't see my blessings, or if I just don't have them. Yes, I have healthy children, and my husband has a job that pays the bills. We live in a beautiful house and drive really nice cars. We have a lot of material things and while I am grateful for them, I feel like I'm missing those spiritual blessings. I pray and I feel like nobody hears me. I read the scriptures, or a ensign article, a conference talk...and I don't get anything out of it. I go to church and my kids are so irreverent during Sacrament Meeting that I don't get to listen to the talks. I go to primary so I don't get any lessons in Sunday School or Relief Society. I want so badly to get to the temple at least once a month, and something always comes up and I can't go.
I have been fighting for so long against everything. I am so tired and days like today, it wears me down and I throw a pity party. I want someone to care about me. I want them to show they care...not just tell me. But I also know that it's hard to be friends with me. I'm negative a lot of the time and I have a lot of crap that I carry around. I'm slowly learning to put it down and try to just live, but I'm not all the way there yet. I am stronger and better than I was a year ago, but I still have a long ways to go. I hate having days like this where everything gets under my skin, and I want to just be left alone. I don't want to hear 'mommy' all day long. I want peace and quiet. I want people to stop shoving their good news in my face. I know that's not what they are doing, and it isn't their intention, but when I feel like this, it seems as though everyone is saying, 'look what I have and you don't'. It's annoying and I hate it. I know better. I know that isn't what is happening, but that's how I'm feeling. It's complicated and very confusing.
I want to just be happy for everyone else and not feel bad for myself. I have been working so hard on myself, so it frustrates me when I feel like the world is against me. I don't feel strong enough to handle all this stress and struggles. I am so tired of never getting a break, never feeling at peace, never feeling like I matter, I'm tired of hanging on. I'm barely breathing anymore. But, I know I can't give up because like I said, I've come so far already. It's just a bad day. I'm in a bad mood, and tomorrow I'll try again.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
Enough?
Every once in a while, I'll read something...an article, a blog post, a facebook status...and it's a trigger. Usually it's about motherhood, or a career, or some kind of praising someone else.
Today, I read a little note that someone posted on a friends page. It said something along the lines of that they are probably so proud of their children because they've accomplished so much, and that they are proud of them too.
Nothing huge or dramatic, just nice and simple.
So why did it bother me so much? Most of the time, I can read something like that and get on with my day. But today, it's stuck in my mind. Why?
People don't come up to me and say, 'Amy, I am so proud of you for being a stay at home mother, look at how much you have accomplished!'. I don't get a pat on the back, or an award for handling a fit without losing my temper. At the end of the day, I don't get a paycheck, or a bonus for all the hard work I do. Most of the time, what I do is unnoticed. That's how it is for a lot of moms. I get it, I don't cry over it, but sometimes I want someone to tell me that they are proud of me.
I didn't go to school. I don't have a degree in anything, and I wont be graduating from something I worked so hard for. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, and because of that, what's there to be proud of, or even recognized for?
I stay at home all day. I sweep up crumbs, and mop up juice spills, wipe dirty faces and dirty bottoms. I wash load after load after load of laundry. I clean dishes and wipe down counters. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner for kids who don't like to eat. I kiss scraped knees and bruised elbows. I yell. I lose my temper. I get mad and angry. At the end of the day, sometimes I feel like I have been suffocating all day. And no one is there to tell me 'good job!' or 'you did it!' or 'I'm proud of you'. And then I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.
Now, I'm not saying that I want praise every single day. I don't need it. I don't want it. But, when I see someone do something with their life, graduate school, get a great job, receive a raise at work or whatever, I just feel like I'm never going to have that feeling. I don't have the desire to go to work, or get a degree in something that I wont use, I just want to feel important. I give and give and give so much of myself, that sometimes, I don't even know who I am anymore.
Hannah and Sara are HORRIBLE eaters. They are like little birds who just peck at food and then they're done. Hannah is a huge drama queen and is so sassy that sometimes I have to just walk away. I can't get my kids to eat a sandwich, or have manners...so I feel like I'm failing. I'm not accomplishing motherhood, and that's the only thing I know right now. If it were a paying job, I probably would have been fired a LONG time ago. If it were school, I would have flunk out by now. Sometimes it's hard to swallow the fact that most days, my only accomplishment was keeping the kids alive. I'm supposed to keep the house clean, keep laundry clean and put away, make tasty dinners, teach my kids manners and how to be kind to others, get dressed and do my hair every day, and then be happy and loving when my husband gets home from work.
But that is so not what I'm doing. Most days, the sink is piled with dirty dishes, there are baskets of laundry waiting to be washed, or put away, but more than likely, both. I'm in sweats, my hair is greasy, there are crumbs all over the floor and the kids ate junk and watched way too much tv. It's just never ending. And then I think to myself...no wonder nobody is proud of me. I'm a mess. My kids are crazy.
In spite of all that, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Being home with my kids is the best thing for them, and for me. Yeah, some days are horrible and I want to forget all about them, but I always have a second chance the next day.
I know I'm a good mom...it's just sometimes, I don't feel like it. It's been said that one day, we will be glorified for all of our hard work as mothers, so I just need to have faith that one day...one day someone will tell me how proud they are of me.
Some days are just hard.
Today, I read a little note that someone posted on a friends page. It said something along the lines of that they are probably so proud of their children because they've accomplished so much, and that they are proud of them too.
Nothing huge or dramatic, just nice and simple.
So why did it bother me so much? Most of the time, I can read something like that and get on with my day. But today, it's stuck in my mind. Why?
People don't come up to me and say, 'Amy, I am so proud of you for being a stay at home mother, look at how much you have accomplished!'. I don't get a pat on the back, or an award for handling a fit without losing my temper. At the end of the day, I don't get a paycheck, or a bonus for all the hard work I do. Most of the time, what I do is unnoticed. That's how it is for a lot of moms. I get it, I don't cry over it, but sometimes I want someone to tell me that they are proud of me.
I didn't go to school. I don't have a degree in anything, and I wont be graduating from something I worked so hard for. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, and because of that, what's there to be proud of, or even recognized for?
I stay at home all day. I sweep up crumbs, and mop up juice spills, wipe dirty faces and dirty bottoms. I wash load after load after load of laundry. I clean dishes and wipe down counters. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner for kids who don't like to eat. I kiss scraped knees and bruised elbows. I yell. I lose my temper. I get mad and angry. At the end of the day, sometimes I feel like I have been suffocating all day. And no one is there to tell me 'good job!' or 'you did it!' or 'I'm proud of you'. And then I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.
Now, I'm not saying that I want praise every single day. I don't need it. I don't want it. But, when I see someone do something with their life, graduate school, get a great job, receive a raise at work or whatever, I just feel like I'm never going to have that feeling. I don't have the desire to go to work, or get a degree in something that I wont use, I just want to feel important. I give and give and give so much of myself, that sometimes, I don't even know who I am anymore.
Hannah and Sara are HORRIBLE eaters. They are like little birds who just peck at food and then they're done. Hannah is a huge drama queen and is so sassy that sometimes I have to just walk away. I can't get my kids to eat a sandwich, or have manners...so I feel like I'm failing. I'm not accomplishing motherhood, and that's the only thing I know right now. If it were a paying job, I probably would have been fired a LONG time ago. If it were school, I would have flunk out by now. Sometimes it's hard to swallow the fact that most days, my only accomplishment was keeping the kids alive. I'm supposed to keep the house clean, keep laundry clean and put away, make tasty dinners, teach my kids manners and how to be kind to others, get dressed and do my hair every day, and then be happy and loving when my husband gets home from work.
But that is so not what I'm doing. Most days, the sink is piled with dirty dishes, there are baskets of laundry waiting to be washed, or put away, but more than likely, both. I'm in sweats, my hair is greasy, there are crumbs all over the floor and the kids ate junk and watched way too much tv. It's just never ending. And then I think to myself...no wonder nobody is proud of me. I'm a mess. My kids are crazy.
In spite of all that, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Being home with my kids is the best thing for them, and for me. Yeah, some days are horrible and I want to forget all about them, but I always have a second chance the next day.
I know I'm a good mom...it's just sometimes, I don't feel like it. It's been said that one day, we will be glorified for all of our hard work as mothers, so I just need to have faith that one day...one day someone will tell me how proud they are of me.
Some days are just hard.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Anniversary
Yesterday was Brian and my 10 year anniversary. 10 years! Honestly, I can't believe we've made it this long.
A few weeks ago when my sister was here, we took a trip to Atlanta to celebrate our anniversary. It's hard getting babysitters around here, and we knew we wouldn't be able to find someone to keep them over night. It was a good trip, we were exhausted, but it was good. I was a little bummed out because my expectations of the trip were too high. I really wanted to connect with Brian, and be able to just relax and enjoy each other. We were so busy that when we got back to our hotel at the end of the day, we just crashed. There was no ounce of romance the whole trip. Nothing. But, it happened and I can't change it.
So as I said, our anniversary was yesterday. I knew that Brian probably wasn't going to get me a gift because we went to Atlanta. I knew it wasn't going to be an amazing day full of joy and excitement. I mean, we're parents and we still have a life that doesn't stop just because it's our anniversary. It was just another day.
But...I wanted something to be special about it. A few months ago, I started working on a picture book for Brian. I wanted to do something for him (even though I knew I'd get nothing), and I was really excited about it. 10 years is something to be celebrated. It's a really long time, and it's one of those milestone anniversaries (at least it is to me). I am very sentimental. I have always loved to celebrate anything, it's just my nature. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...anything. I love to make a big deal out of it. Brian, on the other hand, isn't. He could care less. So, even though I knew we had already 'celebrated' our anniversary, I still wanted to do something small for him. I spent a lot of time getting pictures, figuring out the timeline of them, putting it together and getting everything just right. I really had hoped that he would like it and not think it was stupid. I also got him a really sweet card, and I wrote a note in it just for him. So, really, it wasn't anything huge, just a book and a card. More sentimental than anything.
All day long, I was so excited for him to come home and open the book. And, in the back of my mind, I was hoping...no, praying that he'd buy me some flowers, or at least a card. Something to recognize that the day was our anniversary. I really wanted something...but I was preparing myself for nothing.
So, he got home and his hands were empty. I didn't let it bother me at first, so I gave him his gift and he seemed to like it. I probably care more about the book than he does. But whatever.
And that was about it. The evening was the same as every other evening. When the kids went to bed, nothing exciting happened. All night long, I was trying so hard to not be upset, but it wasn't working. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I tried to not think, but it just wasn't working. I mean...10 years! Why the heck could he not stop at the store on the way home from work and pick up some flowers? He knows that I LOVE getting flowers, but he never buys them for me. I don't even remember the last time he gave me flowers. I would have thought that because it was our 10 year anniversary, he would have done something small. But he didn't.
I'm trying not to be sad about it, but I am. I feel like because we made it 10 whole years, with everything that has happened, things we've done, all of our lows (which have been a lot), the day should have had something special about it. I really would have be content with a card. It almost feel like as time goes by, things get less special. I remember when he would get me cards, or flowers for my birthday, an anniversary or Valentines Day. Not anymore though. And, I should be used to getting nothing by now. Why am I so upset over it? I knew it was going to happen...or not happen, I guess. I told myself that he wouldn't be bringing anything home. Sometimes though, I hate being right.
It shouldn't matter, but it does. I'm having a really hard time letting it go. But, I can't talk to him about it because yesterday was yesterday. We'll never have another 10 year anniversary. He can't buy me flowers tomorrow and say they were for yesterday. In fact, I said something about getting flowers, and he made some lame excuse. That hurt even more.
And then I think...I'm being totally selfish. I don't need anything, I shouldn't want anything. I should be happy and fine with a little kiss and a 'happy anniversary'. Why should I get anything else? I shouldn't be so selfish.
But, it still hurts. I'm still sad. And it's just one more thing to get over.
A few weeks ago when my sister was here, we took a trip to Atlanta to celebrate our anniversary. It's hard getting babysitters around here, and we knew we wouldn't be able to find someone to keep them over night. It was a good trip, we were exhausted, but it was good. I was a little bummed out because my expectations of the trip were too high. I really wanted to connect with Brian, and be able to just relax and enjoy each other. We were so busy that when we got back to our hotel at the end of the day, we just crashed. There was no ounce of romance the whole trip. Nothing. But, it happened and I can't change it.
So as I said, our anniversary was yesterday. I knew that Brian probably wasn't going to get me a gift because we went to Atlanta. I knew it wasn't going to be an amazing day full of joy and excitement. I mean, we're parents and we still have a life that doesn't stop just because it's our anniversary. It was just another day.
But...I wanted something to be special about it. A few months ago, I started working on a picture book for Brian. I wanted to do something for him (even though I knew I'd get nothing), and I was really excited about it. 10 years is something to be celebrated. It's a really long time, and it's one of those milestone anniversaries (at least it is to me). I am very sentimental. I have always loved to celebrate anything, it's just my nature. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...anything. I love to make a big deal out of it. Brian, on the other hand, isn't. He could care less. So, even though I knew we had already 'celebrated' our anniversary, I still wanted to do something small for him. I spent a lot of time getting pictures, figuring out the timeline of them, putting it together and getting everything just right. I really had hoped that he would like it and not think it was stupid. I also got him a really sweet card, and I wrote a note in it just for him. So, really, it wasn't anything huge, just a book and a card. More sentimental than anything.
All day long, I was so excited for him to come home and open the book. And, in the back of my mind, I was hoping...no, praying that he'd buy me some flowers, or at least a card. Something to recognize that the day was our anniversary. I really wanted something...but I was preparing myself for nothing.
So, he got home and his hands were empty. I didn't let it bother me at first, so I gave him his gift and he seemed to like it. I probably care more about the book than he does. But whatever.
And that was about it. The evening was the same as every other evening. When the kids went to bed, nothing exciting happened. All night long, I was trying so hard to not be upset, but it wasn't working. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I tried to not think, but it just wasn't working. I mean...10 years! Why the heck could he not stop at the store on the way home from work and pick up some flowers? He knows that I LOVE getting flowers, but he never buys them for me. I don't even remember the last time he gave me flowers. I would have thought that because it was our 10 year anniversary, he would have done something small. But he didn't.
I'm trying not to be sad about it, but I am. I feel like because we made it 10 whole years, with everything that has happened, things we've done, all of our lows (which have been a lot), the day should have had something special about it. I really would have be content with a card. It almost feel like as time goes by, things get less special. I remember when he would get me cards, or flowers for my birthday, an anniversary or Valentines Day. Not anymore though. And, I should be used to getting nothing by now. Why am I so upset over it? I knew it was going to happen...or not happen, I guess. I told myself that he wouldn't be bringing anything home. Sometimes though, I hate being right.
It shouldn't matter, but it does. I'm having a really hard time letting it go. But, I can't talk to him about it because yesterday was yesterday. We'll never have another 10 year anniversary. He can't buy me flowers tomorrow and say they were for yesterday. In fact, I said something about getting flowers, and he made some lame excuse. That hurt even more.
And then I think...I'm being totally selfish. I don't need anything, I shouldn't want anything. I should be happy and fine with a little kiss and a 'happy anniversary'. Why should I get anything else? I shouldn't be so selfish.
But, it still hurts. I'm still sad. And it's just one more thing to get over.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Feelings
Today, it has been 4 weeks since I started taking the Wellbutrin, and honestly, I don't feel any different. I know that it can take up to 6 weeks to feel the effects, but I'm really annoyed. I have felt so bad for so long, I was hoping that by now, I'd start to feel something. I still struggle every day to get out of bed. I still struggle to get things done, and I still have a feeling of hopelessness. I don't want to go out and do things, I want to just stay in my pjs, lay in bed and watch tv all day.
And to top it all off, I can't wake up. I have been so incredibly tired for the past week. I want to sleep, but even when I do, it's not enough. I've had this problem before though...just another symptom of depression. It blows.
My sister was here for the past two weeks almost, and went home last Friday. I so enjoyed having her here, but now I just miss my family more. Brian and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary next week, so that means I've been away from them for 10 years! I would love nothing more than to live closer. Not necessarily in Idaho, but close enough that we could drive to see them without it taking days and days. I hate that my family doesn't get to see my kids grow up. They get pictures and maybe a trip once a year, but they miss out on everything. I miss them. My heart aches because I miss them so much. I don't know how to take that away either. Sometimes I just want to be able to talk to my mom face to face, and have a shoulder to cry on. It would be nice to take my kids over there during the day to play so I could get a break. I want them apart of their lives and it makes me sad that this is the way it is. And I can't change it either. Brian said he'd move if he had a job that paid the right amount of money, but his idea of the right amount is insane and probably will never find it. It's irritating and depressing.
Anyway, I just woke up with a lot on my mind today. I'm hoping this week isn't bad...I'm trying. I really am.
And to top it all off, I can't wake up. I have been so incredibly tired for the past week. I want to sleep, but even when I do, it's not enough. I've had this problem before though...just another symptom of depression. It blows.
My sister was here for the past two weeks almost, and went home last Friday. I so enjoyed having her here, but now I just miss my family more. Brian and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary next week, so that means I've been away from them for 10 years! I would love nothing more than to live closer. Not necessarily in Idaho, but close enough that we could drive to see them without it taking days and days. I hate that my family doesn't get to see my kids grow up. They get pictures and maybe a trip once a year, but they miss out on everything. I miss them. My heart aches because I miss them so much. I don't know how to take that away either. Sometimes I just want to be able to talk to my mom face to face, and have a shoulder to cry on. It would be nice to take my kids over there during the day to play so I could get a break. I want them apart of their lives and it makes me sad that this is the way it is. And I can't change it either. Brian said he'd move if he had a job that paid the right amount of money, but his idea of the right amount is insane and probably will never find it. It's irritating and depressing.
Anyway, I just woke up with a lot on my mind today. I'm hoping this week isn't bad...I'm trying. I really am.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Hello. My name is Amy...
...and I'm a foodaholic.
That's right. I love food. I love making food. Tasting food. Eating food...being around food. MmmMmm...I just love it.
But, my food addiction goes past the 'normal' love of food. I use food for comfort. I am a stress/emotional eater. I don't remember a time where I haven't been. Food is my drug, and by my pant size, sadly, it shows.
I have struggled for such a long time with my weight, and it seems like when I start to get a handle on things, something happens and I loose it all and eat my way through it. I'll loose 5 lbs here and there, but I always gain it back. A year after I had Ethan, I lost all my baby weight, plus 10 extra pounds. I was so excited to be back in clothes that weren't super tight fitting and my pants didn't give me the spare tire around my waist. But, little by little, I ate more and more, and started to gain weight again. Then I got pregnant with Hannah and it all went out the window. I really haven't been happy with my weight since then.
And to make things worse, I'll weigh myself, or put on a pair of pants that should fit, and I'll be disappointed by the results. You'd think I would want to put the food down and go workout or eat a carrot...but because my brain is messed up, I just want to eat more. Heck, I'm already fat, so why not eat? I know it doesn't make sense, I don't understand it, but that's how I am.
There are people who stop eating when they're stressed. If that was my case, I'd probably die from anorexia. Seriously. But instead, I just want food.
I want so bad to figure out how to control myself, but I haven't found what's right for me. It's so easy to say, 'just don't buy unhealthy foods'. And, most of the time when I'm doing my grocery shopping, I don't. It's when I'm mad, stressed, sad, super angry that I go to the store just for ice cream, or candy, or cookies...something that tastes delicious. Eat smaller portions...yeah, I've heard that one too. My issue is snacking. All day. Here and there, one or two cookies at a time. It's so frustrating!
I know what I have to do, it's just doing it and sticking with it. It's so hard for me though, and if you don't have an issue with food, you wont understand. Just like smoking...I don't smoke, I know it's bad and I don't understand why someone can't just stop cold turkey (ok, well, I do kinda understand). I've found that if I stop all my comfort foods at once, I'm more than likely to binge later on. I've had people tell me to just stop one thing at a time, like one month don't drink soda. Then the next month don't eat chocolate...and so on. I wish it were as easy as it sounds.
If I worked out on a regular basis, maybe it wouldn't matter so much. But in all honesty, I hate working out. I do it when I can't fit into my fat pants anymore. I don't do it because I love it, or I crave the feeling I get...I want to cry the whole time my body is moving. Pathetic. Running though...I loved to run, when I wasn't hurting from an injury. But, I haven't gotten to the point where I can run again.
So, now it's summer and I brought out my summer clothes. I only have one pair of shorts that fit. Ugh. I don't want to go buy new clothes, but I really don't want to workout or stop eating. Something has to give though. I really do want to eat right and be healthy and actually be excited about what I see in the mirror, but it's so hard when I don't have the support I need. I give in to temptation so easily, and I have a hard time saying no.
I need to loose anywhere from 25-30lbs and it seems like such a hard thing to do. I feel like I'm working on so much stuff right now, and loosing weight is just an added burden. I feel so overwhelmed with what I need to do, so taking care of my physical body has been put on the back burner. I just feel stuck.
That's right. I love food. I love making food. Tasting food. Eating food...being around food. MmmMmm...I just love it.
But, my food addiction goes past the 'normal' love of food. I use food for comfort. I am a stress/emotional eater. I don't remember a time where I haven't been. Food is my drug, and by my pant size, sadly, it shows.
I have struggled for such a long time with my weight, and it seems like when I start to get a handle on things, something happens and I loose it all and eat my way through it. I'll loose 5 lbs here and there, but I always gain it back. A year after I had Ethan, I lost all my baby weight, plus 10 extra pounds. I was so excited to be back in clothes that weren't super tight fitting and my pants didn't give me the spare tire around my waist. But, little by little, I ate more and more, and started to gain weight again. Then I got pregnant with Hannah and it all went out the window. I really haven't been happy with my weight since then.
And to make things worse, I'll weigh myself, or put on a pair of pants that should fit, and I'll be disappointed by the results. You'd think I would want to put the food down and go workout or eat a carrot...but because my brain is messed up, I just want to eat more. Heck, I'm already fat, so why not eat? I know it doesn't make sense, I don't understand it, but that's how I am.
There are people who stop eating when they're stressed. If that was my case, I'd probably die from anorexia. Seriously. But instead, I just want food.
I want so bad to figure out how to control myself, but I haven't found what's right for me. It's so easy to say, 'just don't buy unhealthy foods'. And, most of the time when I'm doing my grocery shopping, I don't. It's when I'm mad, stressed, sad, super angry that I go to the store just for ice cream, or candy, or cookies...something that tastes delicious. Eat smaller portions...yeah, I've heard that one too. My issue is snacking. All day. Here and there, one or two cookies at a time. It's so frustrating!
I know what I have to do, it's just doing it and sticking with it. It's so hard for me though, and if you don't have an issue with food, you wont understand. Just like smoking...I don't smoke, I know it's bad and I don't understand why someone can't just stop cold turkey (ok, well, I do kinda understand). I've found that if I stop all my comfort foods at once, I'm more than likely to binge later on. I've had people tell me to just stop one thing at a time, like one month don't drink soda. Then the next month don't eat chocolate...and so on. I wish it were as easy as it sounds.
If I worked out on a regular basis, maybe it wouldn't matter so much. But in all honesty, I hate working out. I do it when I can't fit into my fat pants anymore. I don't do it because I love it, or I crave the feeling I get...I want to cry the whole time my body is moving. Pathetic. Running though...I loved to run, when I wasn't hurting from an injury. But, I haven't gotten to the point where I can run again.
So, now it's summer and I brought out my summer clothes. I only have one pair of shorts that fit. Ugh. I don't want to go buy new clothes, but I really don't want to workout or stop eating. Something has to give though. I really do want to eat right and be healthy and actually be excited about what I see in the mirror, but it's so hard when I don't have the support I need. I give in to temptation so easily, and I have a hard time saying no.
I need to loose anywhere from 25-30lbs and it seems like such a hard thing to do. I feel like I'm working on so much stuff right now, and loosing weight is just an added burden. I feel so overwhelmed with what I need to do, so taking care of my physical body has been put on the back burner. I just feel stuck.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
It's not fair
I am so upset this morning. No. I'm angry. Why? Because I've been sick all weekend with strep throat, and I still had to do 90% of everything. The ONLY time I got rest, was when Sara was taking a nap.
But, Brian is now sick and guess what? He gets to do NOTHING. He'll lay in bed and do nothing while I'm still recovering, not feeling 100% yet, and so I still have to do everything. This is how it always is.
It's not fair and I hate it.
But, Brian is now sick and guess what? He gets to do NOTHING. He'll lay in bed and do nothing while I'm still recovering, not feeling 100% yet, and so I still have to do everything. This is how it always is.
It's not fair and I hate it.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
They call me Mommy - part two
As I said in the post before, motherhood has been hard on me. I don't enjoy it like I should, and I feel guilty and horrible for it. I don't know if it's the depression that just got in the way. Actually, I know it has a lot to do with it. I used to not always feel this way. It's probably just within the past 2 years that I've really been struggling.
After Sara was born, I felt overwhelmed. Getting 3 kids up in the morning, ready for the day (Ethan ready for school), making breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, cups, cleaning the same messes up every day, doing the same dishes, doing the crap load of laundry that seemed to never end, the crying and whining and fit throwing...doing the same things over and over and over. Every day. And before you go on saying...'well that's what a mothers life is...', I know that. I know that it's my responsibility to do all those things. I stay home, I raise the kids, I clean up the messes and try the tears. But, it's somewhere in the middle of all that, that I've lost myself.
I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm only a wife and a mother. What happened to Amy? What happened to the person? I am still a person, I still have wants and needs, and dreams of all sorts. And I feel like I'm not allowed to be anything but a mother and a wife. Is this how it's supposed to be? I don't want to sound selfish, or rude, but why should I have to forget the person I am? Can't I have both? It all goes back to the stupid guilt. Any time I want to go somewhere, or do something without the kids, I feel bad. Why? I have no idea! You know the saying that you can't take care of the kids unless you take care of yourself...or something like that? I know that, and I want to take care of myself, I just don't know how yet.
My kids are all different in so many ways. They each have their own needs and I have to figure out how to meet them. Ethan is struggling in school, and his behavior in the past few weeks have got me concerned. I've been praying to know how to help him, and what to do, but I just feel lost. There are things that I have done that have helped, but not enough to make the difference we need. I know he's only 7, and a lot of his actions are normal 7 year old behavior, but it's really more than that. I want him to be happy and successful and proud of himself. I worry about second grade. His focusing is getting worse and it has started to affect his grades. What I'm struggling with now is, do I wait until school starts up again to see how he does, or take action now? And what actions do I take? It's really so overwhelming.
Hannah is...well, she's a handful. She is so sweet and loving and she is a good girl, when she wants to be. But she is also 3. I find myself upset and mad at her a lot during the day. She loves to get into things that she knows she isn't supposed to. And she does it when I'm busy. Naturally. I mean, isn't that what all kids do? But, because of my depression, and the stress level I have, I get more upset than I need to get. Why? Because I'm tired! I'm tired of the rules being broken over and over again. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing any good. Tired of feeling like I am no good. I'm tired of feeling the way I feel and not understanding why. I am so snappy lately, and it's over the dumbest things. When I want to be left alone is when it's the worst. Hannah or Sara will want something...like a snack or a drink, or help with what they're doing or even when they just want me to play with them, and I'll get mad. I don't want to do it, I don't want to be bothered so I get upset. How ridiculous is that? Then I feel horrible and like a bad mom who doesn't want to be around her kids.
I don't always feel like that, but it is more than I'd like to admit. It's so frustrating. I know a lot of what happens with the kids is all normal stuff, every kid does it. But it's how I react. Why am I reacting the way I do?
Maybe it all goes back to feeling lost. Nancy and I are working on the whole guilt thing. I need to give that up. I know I do, but dang it's hard! I need to find the right balance between being a wife, mother and my own person. I don't want to feel guilty for taking a weekend for just myself so I can breathe. I should be able to do stuff for myself so I can be a better wife and mother, right? I have given up everything for my kids. All mothers do. I love my kids more than anything in the world. I just want to enjoy it now because I know that later, I'm going to regret it. All I can do is my best, pray and try to let go of these feelings of guilt and anger.
After Sara was born, I felt overwhelmed. Getting 3 kids up in the morning, ready for the day (Ethan ready for school), making breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, cups, cleaning the same messes up every day, doing the same dishes, doing the crap load of laundry that seemed to never end, the crying and whining and fit throwing...doing the same things over and over and over. Every day. And before you go on saying...'well that's what a mothers life is...', I know that. I know that it's my responsibility to do all those things. I stay home, I raise the kids, I clean up the messes and try the tears. But, it's somewhere in the middle of all that, that I've lost myself.
I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm only a wife and a mother. What happened to Amy? What happened to the person? I am still a person, I still have wants and needs, and dreams of all sorts. And I feel like I'm not allowed to be anything but a mother and a wife. Is this how it's supposed to be? I don't want to sound selfish, or rude, but why should I have to forget the person I am? Can't I have both? It all goes back to the stupid guilt. Any time I want to go somewhere, or do something without the kids, I feel bad. Why? I have no idea! You know the saying that you can't take care of the kids unless you take care of yourself...or something like that? I know that, and I want to take care of myself, I just don't know how yet.
My kids are all different in so many ways. They each have their own needs and I have to figure out how to meet them. Ethan is struggling in school, and his behavior in the past few weeks have got me concerned. I've been praying to know how to help him, and what to do, but I just feel lost. There are things that I have done that have helped, but not enough to make the difference we need. I know he's only 7, and a lot of his actions are normal 7 year old behavior, but it's really more than that. I want him to be happy and successful and proud of himself. I worry about second grade. His focusing is getting worse and it has started to affect his grades. What I'm struggling with now is, do I wait until school starts up again to see how he does, or take action now? And what actions do I take? It's really so overwhelming.
Hannah is...well, she's a handful. She is so sweet and loving and she is a good girl, when she wants to be. But she is also 3. I find myself upset and mad at her a lot during the day. She loves to get into things that she knows she isn't supposed to. And she does it when I'm busy. Naturally. I mean, isn't that what all kids do? But, because of my depression, and the stress level I have, I get more upset than I need to get. Why? Because I'm tired! I'm tired of the rules being broken over and over again. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing any good. Tired of feeling like I am no good. I'm tired of feeling the way I feel and not understanding why. I am so snappy lately, and it's over the dumbest things. When I want to be left alone is when it's the worst. Hannah or Sara will want something...like a snack or a drink, or help with what they're doing or even when they just want me to play with them, and I'll get mad. I don't want to do it, I don't want to be bothered so I get upset. How ridiculous is that? Then I feel horrible and like a bad mom who doesn't want to be around her kids.
I don't always feel like that, but it is more than I'd like to admit. It's so frustrating. I know a lot of what happens with the kids is all normal stuff, every kid does it. But it's how I react. Why am I reacting the way I do?
Maybe it all goes back to feeling lost. Nancy and I are working on the whole guilt thing. I need to give that up. I know I do, but dang it's hard! I need to find the right balance between being a wife, mother and my own person. I don't want to feel guilty for taking a weekend for just myself so I can breathe. I should be able to do stuff for myself so I can be a better wife and mother, right? I have given up everything for my kids. All mothers do. I love my kids more than anything in the world. I just want to enjoy it now because I know that later, I'm going to regret it. All I can do is my best, pray and try to let go of these feelings of guilt and anger.
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